“Am I behind? Did I mess it all up?”

 I am still asking myself those questions once in a while.

“I need to see you in a wedding dress.” “It’s time to have children already, before it’s too late”. I heard these phrases from grandmas and aunties very often lately. But why do I get flashbacks of those teen pregnancy shows, even if for a second, whenever one aunt I barely know gives me “the talk”? 

I am 28 years old. I am at the age where I should bury myself in debt to buy a 2 bedroom apartment, the age of being stressed with wedding planning, the age of settling down.

And don’t get me wrong, I want to settle down. I want a warm beautiful home, filled with laughter and love. I want 3 kids, and a dog. I want a beautiful and healthy marriage. I want to find my direction, my dream, and not to feel drained about another day of 9 to 5.

But, I am so far away from all of this. I didn’t find my purpose yet, my savings are laughable, my relationship is loving and happy, but still new. Hell, I don’t even know how to cook yet. So then, I must be behind in life, right?

Maybe. Maybe I should’ve been married with 2 kids and a mortgage by now. Maybe I should’ve became an amazing housewife or an independent boss babe.

Or maybe I am on my own timeline. Maybe it isn’t too late to figure out exactly who I am and what makes me feel fulfilled. Maybe a happy marriage counts way more than how fast you got married. Maybe life isn’t a race at all, but more like a marathon. Maybe all the failures and disappointments were not in vain, maybe they will help me find myself. 

I used to always compare myself with others and feel guilty with how long it takes me to achieve the things “I should”. But not anymore. I realised I do have a happy life and many things to be grateful for. I had the luxury to try out 3 different majors in university, I was able to take time for myself to heal, or to focus on volunteering. I got myself a “big girl” job, I have supportive parents, a good community and a loving boyfriend.

It’s slow, but I notice my progress. I feel I am on the right path this time. And now I know it’s ok to move at my own pace, nothing is hurrying me. And even though I am no longer a girl, and not yet a woman, I am in a beautiful space, in the middle. 

I know I will bloom beautifully in the end. There still is time.